So, I feel the Lord wants me to share my journal entry from this morning. I know it is to hold me accountable. I am begging for your support. Thank you.
1/3/2010 - Jonah 1:1-5, all of chapter 4
Wow! So I have been here for a month now, and I have not had one quiet time! Why am I so wicked? This morning, You wanted me to come to Starbucks and listen to a couple of sermons on my IPOD. At first, I felt like it was an easy way to check off "church" on my list of responsibilities. Wow, how wrong I am! It would have been loads easier to just sit in a pew and take notes. You wanted me to examine my heart. Ouch! I hate when You have me do that. I am so wicked, Lord! Everyone kept telling me that once I get here, I will just run to You and my walk with You will just grow and grow! I guess I am the exception. I have only felt this far from You a few times in my life...
I have crammed my life with activities --> language school, concerts, dinner with friends, sleep, Skype, and sadly, television. How is it that I am in East Asia and I watch as much TV as in the States? This morning, You led me to listen to 2 sermons about Jonah (from Houston's First Baptist). Gosh, I hate the book of Jonah because it always relates. Who wants to relate to him? He is so whiney, scared, disobedient, indifferent, and at the same time full of vengence. I am all of these things!!! After listening to message 1 and 4 of the series, I have realized how much I am like Jonah! He EVENTUALLY goes to Nineva after lots of trials and acts of disobedience. He storms away from Nineva when things don't turn out quite like he thought. God provides him with a plant "to save him from his discomfort." You, Lord, also provided me with my own plant to save me from my discomfort. Her name was Sarah, my roommate! She took me all over Taipei, introduced me to so many people, and let me debrief with her every night. She was such a comfort to me. I didn't realize how reliant on her I had become until You took that plant away from me. Sarah is (well should be) back home in the States! I am happy for her to be back with her family. Since Thursday, I have been feeling weak and sickly. I even slept straight through class Thursday morning. At some point this morning, You showed me that I was depressed. I was depressed that You took away my plant, a plant I didn't even know about until I got off the plane here in Taiwan. Instead of being grateful that You provided a "plant" that I did not deserve, I was so angry that You took it away. I am so like Jonah!!!!
Why am I so focused on my own comfort? I knew coming here would be uncomfortable. A dear friend once told me, "He (God) is not concerned with my comfort, but with my obedience." Thank you, Father, for showing me my wicked heart. Even though it hasn't been fun, I know that it was necessary to get me to see. Why do I constantly have to be hit upside my head to see? Thank you for reminding me why You sent me.